Do parents meet teen emotional needs? The two groups disagree (2024)

How much social and emotional support teens are getting depends on whether you’re asking the parents or the teens themselves.

The 2021-2022 National Health Interview Survey of parents and teens found “parents consistently reported higher perceived levels of their teenager’s social and emotional support compared with the teenager’s self-report,” according to the most recent edition of the National Health Statistics report.

Researchers at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention used data from the National Interview Survey-Teen, which is a companion survey to one taken by their parents. The teen survey was completed within an average of two to three weeks of the survey the teen’s parents took.

Teens were asked, “How often do you get the social and emotional support you need?” with response options of “always,” “usually,” “sometimes,” “rarely” and “never.” Responses were sorted into two baskets: always or usually, and sometimes, rarely or never. Parents had previously in their own survey answered on behalf of the teen, then the responses were compared.

The report noted that 27.5% of teenagers said they always received needed social and emotional support, compared to 31% who said usually, 21.6% who said sometimes, 12.5% who noted rarely receiving needed support and 7.4% who claimed to never receive the support they needed.

With nearly 60% saying they usually or always got needed support, there were still differences. Among boys, just under 65% said they received needed support, compared to 52% of girls. Black teenagers (42.3%) were less likely than Asian (60.8%) and white teens (66.3%) to say they usually received support.

Parents with at least some college were more apt to provide adequate support compared to those with a high school diploma or less, based on the surveys. “The percentage of teenagers who always or usually received support was lowest among teenagers living in families at less than twice the federal poverty line in terms of household income(49.8%), compared with teenagers living in families that had twice to four times the federal poverty line income (63.0%) or more (63.5%).”

The federal poverty line for a family of four in 2024 was $31,200.

A wide perception disconnect

The degree of difference in perception was striking. More than three-fourths of parents (76.9%) said their teenagers “always” receive the support they need. Just 27.5% of teens agreed.

Among parents, 16.2% said teens usually receive the support needed, compared to 31% of teens.

Feeling supported had positive ramifications for health and lack of support provided some negatives. The report noted that teens who said they usually or always receive the support they need were not as apt to be in poor or fair health (4.8% vs. 13.8%), experience anxiety or depression, or have low life satisfaction and poor sleep quality.

Explaining the perception difference

Deseret News asked Dr. Frank Anderson, a Harvard-trained psychiatrist, trauma specialist and author of recently published “To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma, and Transformation,” why parents and teens see their own interactions so differently.

Social media is one explanation, Anderson said by email. “Kids are exposed to large amounts of information, images and individuals compared to the past. A recent study stated that most children have already been exposed to violent and p*rnographic images as early as 10 years of age. Parents are largely unaware of what their children are encountering on a daily basis. Ignorance and fear by parents are major contributors to the gap that’s created between teens and their parents. Teens, on the other hand, believe that their parents are mostly clueless and wouldn’t approve if they knew what kids were exposed to.”

How kids and parents relate has also changed. They often seek emotional and social support from friends, not parents, he said. “They rely on peers and social media for information and guidance in a way that they previously needed their parents,” he said.

What kids need is not a mystery to Anderson, saying they “need help with the ever-changing and stressful world they are living in. The pressure to manage the social and academic stress that teens are exposed to is more than their peers and followers can provide to them. Teens increasingly feel more stress and anxiety managing their lives, with less and less consistent and trustworthy support. This is a major contributing factor to the mental health crisis teens are currently facing.”

Anderson tells parents to get over their own fears and “join the world their teens are exposed to.” He said judgment and punishment should be kept to a minimum so kids feel safe to tell their parents what’s happening in their young lives “without worrying about consequences and repercussions.”

The numbers, he adds, suggest parents should “put their beliefs and opinions about how the world works today aside and meet their kids where they are, and provide love, guidance and genuine connection to help them navigate a complicated world.”

He also suggests that parents pay more attention to behavior than words, as kids may have trouble putting their emotions into words. “Listen to behavior,” he said.